Looking back on that statement, a part of me wonders if the universe saw that and realized how close I was to the goal and said “challenge accepted.”
48 hours ago I was involved in a serious workplace accident. So far the results of the damage has cost me an inch off the tip of my middle finger, and some serious disfigurement to the ring and index fingers of my left hand. The doctor said there is a lot of potential for long term pain as there has “most likely” been some nerve damage as well.
Outwardly I’ve been keeping up appearances, making jokes, making sure those close to me aren’t worried, that they don’t need to be strong and supportive because I’m strong enough to deal with this and be okay. I haven’t had time to deal with it yet. I can’t. Every time I get close to being real about it I have to look away. Even now, alone in my home typing this out I can’t stop the tears and I don’t know how to cope.
I have the most amazing support staff between my family and friends and school. My wife hasn’t left my side for more than 30 minutes while she’s been home. My friends have been reaching out on the phone and facebook and one of them spent a few hours and took me out to lunch while my wife was at work. In less than 24 hours the owners of my school showed up at my door with a get well soon card that had so many signatures that they couldn’t squeeze any more on it.
I am humbled. I feel loved. And I have never been more afraid in my life. The worst part is I’m not even sure what I’m afraid of.
Will there need to be changes to how I approach things? Yeah. I’ve already been thinking about that. Especially where weapon training is concerned. Likely a lot of self-defenses as well. Will I let it slow me down? Not if I can help it. Not with the help and support of everyone who is here for me. So that’s not it.
It won’t affect my family life or friends in anyway. I’m still able to work and I’m even going back to light duty on monday, so that’s not it either.
In the grand scheme of things a fingertip is a rather small issue. Its not cancer or addiction or abuse. So what is it that’s got me so messed up right now? And why do I feel like I’m betraying something by sharing this?
Today is a good day. The pain has subsided for the most part and is now at a manageable level. I’m alive if not entirely whole. And still this dark cloud won’t leave me alone.
The thought of Wednesday is driving me crazy. Right now I can pretend everything is cool. The hand is bandaged up and I can’t see the damage. Wednesday I see the surgeon for a follow up and the bandages come off and I have no choice but to face it.
I’m not looking for a pity party. I appreciate the heart felt sympathy, but that’s not what this is about. And by all means, let me believe that I’m still fooling you with the outward show of strength.
Its likely that I’m going to have to sit out on the teaching for a while. Its hard to be hands on with the little ones when one of your hands is bandaged up and super sensitive to contact. I’ll also have to be very careful with what I can and can’t do during my own classes. This won’t keep me out of the school, but it will redefine my role there until I’m fully recovered.
In a little over a month I will be an apprentice, just in time for my hand to be healed if the surgeon’s prediction is correct. Time marches on, the world still spins. What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger, or in some cases maims us horribly. Need to learn how to say that with a laugh and a grin again.
Tang Soo!!
tippingthevessel 